Friday, November 8, 2002

Is this a good introduction for my short story? (relatively short?)?

this is my stry... SO FAR..


anything i should add before/after? something wrong with it? yes no, maybe??

The bell rang and I quickly slipped into my seat, next to my 2 best friends Bridgette and Julia. Julia was texting on her brand new blackberry curve, while Bridgette leaned back into her navy blue chair sipping a small can of diet coke.
"Class," my French teacher announced trotting gracefully into the classroom. The entire class settled down and took their seats. She was wearing a black business suit, with matching heels, her thin, slightly curled, red hair bouncing of her shoulders.
"I hope you all studied well for your test today. It counts for 90 percent of your mark." she boomed in a powerful voice, her accent ringing throughout the class.


OPINIONS PLEASE!!! im 14 BTW ad this is for skwl

Answer on Is this a good introduction for my short story? (relatively short?)?

Age is irrelevant.

To be honest, it's quite boring. You need to capture the attention of the reader. You don't do this. Your grammar is off and needs to be worked on, e.g.

"my French teacher announced trotting gracefully into the classroom" should be, "my French teacher announced, trotting gracefully into the classroom."

Rather than saying "my French teacher,", give your French teacher a name. Also, you're listing what she's wearing; don't do that. You're also telling us what's happening, when you're supposed to show it to us, e.g. "I could hear the tapping of Julia's fingers against her new blackberry." This would be obvious to the reader that she's texting.

Also, use said. Using too many tags other than said pulls the reader out of the story, which is a sign of a bad story.